A post with no purpose

So, I am a book worm--no secret there. I love to read and I love all books.  There are very few books that I can pick up and not get into. However, there are also very few books that I literally adore so much that I read them every year on a schedule and I always, without fail, get sad whenever I finish them. Those would be To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee, and Little Women by Louisa May Alcott.
Therefore, sticking with my self-made tradition of reading Little Women every year just before Thanksgiving and again at Christmas/New Year's, I am getting ready to work through it's pages. So, (also due to me being the weirdo that I am) I am preparing myself by listening to the Little Women 1994 film soundtrack. As the strains of Thomas Newman float in one ear and out of the other, I can't help but dwell on a family feud that my mother and I have over the story.

Naturally, given my love of Little Women, I've seen each film adaptation there is. The interesting thing is that I did not love reading as a small child, so I didn't read the book at all until high school and even then I could never get through the whole thing. I had a problem because, out of all of the film adaptations, the 1994 version has always been my favorite, and since I became familiar with it before I ever read the book, I was afraid to finish the book because I was afraid of the differences I would find in it. And Beth has always been my favorite sister, so I was actually afraid of reading her death scene, because they made it so special in the movie that I didn't want it to be different and not as sentimental. Well, finally, in my freshman year of college, I bucked up and read the whole book, laughing and weeping my eyes out along the way because I began to see that the book was very similar, but even the differences it had were okay--they weren't so different that I couldn't hold onto my movie details, and they were more special because they were original, came before the film, and were written by Louisa May Alcott herself. Who knew?

So, anyways, back to the family feud. Since I fell in love with the 1994 film long before I ever read the book, naturally, when I did finally read it, Susan Sarandon was my Marmee, Winona Ryder was my Jo, Trini Alvarado was my Meg, Kirsten Dunst was my Amy, Claire Danes was my Beth, AND Christian Bale was my Laurie. My mother is a literature purist and doesn't tend to adhere to film adaptations very well because "they are never the same," so you have to take whatever she says with a grain of salt, but the big issue we have is that Christian Bale is not her Laurie. Do you need me to repeat that? I don't blame you--it's pretty shocking.

Christian Bale is not her Laurie.

And it gets worse. Not only does she just not picture him as Laurie in her head, but she does not think he makes a good Laurie at all. It's an endless debate. I think he's the perfect Laurie--more perfect than Douglass Montgomery, Peter Lawford, or Richard Gilliand. And just like all of the rest of the cast from the 1994 version of Little Women, it doesn't matter what movie I see any of them in or how well they craft and play their part, I will ALWAYS look at Susan Sarandon and see my Marmee, Winona Ryder will ALWAYS be my Jo, Trini Alvarado will ALWAYS be my Meg, Kirsten Dunst will ALWAYS be my Amy (what happened to her, by the way?Did she just fall off the face of the earth?), Claire Danes will ALWAYS be my Beth, and it doesn't matter if he's playing a serial killer or he's decided that he's Batman, underneath his feeble costume, Christian Bale will ALWAYS be my Laurie. End of story.

So, to all the people who are undoubtedly not going to read this, if you have read the book or seen the movie (preferably both), what do you think? Who is your favorite Laurie? Or do you have a Laurie all your own inside your head? But, for arguments sake in this post, please just tell me I'm right and my mother is wrong.

"I'll try and be what he loves to call me, a 'little woman,' and not be rough and wild; but do my duty here instead of wanting to be somewhere else."

-Jo March, Little Women

"I may be strong-minded, but no one can say I'm out of my sphere now, for woman's special mission is supposed to be drying tears and bearing burdens."

-Jo March, Little Women

"If we are all alive ten years hence, let's meet, and see how many of us have got our wishes, or how much nearer we are then than now.."

-Jo March, Little Women

"Seldom except in books do the dying utter memorable words, see visions, or depart with beatified countenances, and those who have sped many parting soul know that to most the end comes as naturally and simply as sleep. As Beth had hoped, the 'tide went out easily,' and in the dark before dawn, on the bosom where she had drawn her first breath, she quietly drew her last, with no farewell but one loving look, one little sigh."

-Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

I remember it all too well..

"I walked through the door with you.

 It was cold, but something about it felt like home somehow,

 And I left my scarf there at your sister's house

 And you've still got it in your drawer even now.

 Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze.

 We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate.

 The autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place.

 And I can picture it after all these days.

 And I know it's long gone, and that magic's not here no more,

 And I might be okay but I'm not fine at all.

 'Cause there we are again on that little town street.

 You almost ran the red 'cause you were looking over at me.

 Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well.

 Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red.

 You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin size bed.

 Your mother's telling stories about you on the t-ball team.

 You tell me about your past, thinking your future was me.

 And I know it's long gone, and there's nothing else I could do.

 And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to.

 'Cause there we are again, in the middle of the night,

 We're dancing 'round the kitchen in the refrigerator light.

 Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well.

 And maybe we got lost in translation.

 Maybe I asked for too much.

 But maybe this thing was a masterpiece

 'Til you tore it all up,

 Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.

 And you call me up again just to break me like a promise,

 So casually cruel in the name of being honest.

 I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here,

 'Cause I remember it all too well.

 Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it.

 I'd like to be my old self again but I'm still trying to find it.

 After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own,

 Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone.

 But you keep my old scarf from that very first week

 'Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me.

 You can't get rid of it cause you remember it all too well.

 'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so.

 Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known.

 It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well.

 Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all too well.

 Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all too well.

 It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well."

And I hope sometimes you wonder about me..

"I bet this time of night you're still up.

 I bet you're tired from a long, hard week.

 I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window,

 Looking out at the city,

 And I bet sometimes you wonder about me.

 And I just want to tell you

 It takes everything in me not to call you.

 And I wish I could run to you.

 And I hope you know, every time I don't,

 I almost do.

 I bet you think I either moved on or hate you

 Cause each time you reach out there's no reply.

 I bet it never ever occurred to you that

 I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye.

 And I just want to tell you

 It takes everything in me not to call you.

 And I wish I could run to you.

 And I hope you know, every time I don't,

 I almost do.

 Oh, we made quite a mess, babe.

 It's probably better off this way.

 And I confess, babe, in my dreams

 You're touching my face and asking me

 If I want to try again with you,

 And I almost do.

 And I just want to tell you

 It takes everything in me not to call you.

 And I wish I could run to you

 And I hope you know, every time I don't,

 I almost do.

 I bet this time of night you're still up.

 I bet you're tired from a long, hard week.

 I bet you're sitting in your chair beside the window,

 Looking out at the city.

 And I hope sometimes you wonder about me."

You are the only one that you need to save..

"If you wanted somebody to save

 Well, that's not me. It won't be me.

 You're always waiting for the sky to cave

 So you can be the man who put it together again.

 Well, you pray for the storm

 When it starts raining.

 Yeah, you pray for the storm

 That you've been chasing.

 Why do you pray for the storm?

 If you wanted somebody to play the part,

 I don't have the heart to start with you.

 You're always twisting words

 Until they break apart.

 I don't wanna break.

 That's why I cannot stay with you.

 Well, you pray for the storm

 When it starts raining.

 Yeah, you pray for the storm

 That you've been chasing.

 Why do you pray for the storm?

 Why do you pray for rain

 To cover your world in grey?

 You are the only one that you need to save.

 You wanted to be a savior,

 Now you're some kind of criminal saint.

 You are the only one that you need to save."

My guys

Meet my boys:  James Fred Cagney and Humphrey George Bogart.
Yes, I just gave you a classic film reference and a Harry Potter reference all in one...You're welcome.

Winds of Heaven,Stuff of Earth

"There's more that rises in the morning than the sun,

 And more that shines in the night than just the moon.

 It's more than just this fire, here, that keeps me warm,

 In a shelter that is larger than this room.

 And there's a loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiments,

 And a music higher than the songs that I can sing.

 The stuff of earth competes for the allegiance I owe

 Only to the Giver of all good things.

 So if I stand, let me stand on the promise

 That You will pull me through.

 And if I can't, let me fall on the grace

 That first brought me to You.

 And if I sing, let me sing for the joy

 That has born in me these songs.

 And if I weep, let it be as a man

 Who is longing for his home.

 There's more that dances on the prairies than the wind.

 More that pulses in the ocean than the tide.

 There's a love that is fiercer than the love between friends.

 More gentle than a mother's when her baby's at her side.

 And there's a loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiments,

 And a music higher than the songs that I can sing.

 The stuff of earth competes for the allegiance I owe

 Only to the Giver of all good things.

 So if I stand, let me stand on the promise

 That You will pull me through.

 And if I can't, let me fall on the grace

 That first brought me to You.

 And if I sing, let me sing for the joy

 That has born in me these songs.

 And if I weep, let it be as a man

 Who is longing for his home."

"I had a professor one time. He said, 'Class, you will forget everything I will teach you in here, so please remember this: that God spoke to Balaam through his ass, and He has been speaking through asses ever since. So, if God should choose to speak through you, you need not think too highly of yourself. And, if on meeting someone, right away you recognize what they are, listen to them anyway."

-Rich Mullins

"...if I want to identify with Jesus Christ, who I claim to be my Savior and Lord the best way I can do that is to identify with the poor. This, I know, will go against the teachings of all the popular evangelical preachers. But they're just wrong. They're not bad, they're just wrong. Christianity is not about building an absolutely secure little niche in the world where you can live with your perfect little wife, and your perfect little children, in your beautiful house, where you have no gays or minority groups anywhere near you. Christianity is about learning to love like Jesus loved, and Jesus loved the poor, and Jesus loved the broken."

-Rich Mullins

Underneath the Makeup:A Candid Portrait of MM

I live in a world of black and white, of classic films, handsome and dashing leading men, and effortlessly beautiful and talented actresses. That's my reality--the place I spend most of my time. So, naturally, I am familiar with the work of Hollywood's most recognizable icon--Marilyn Monroe.
It is also no secret (seeing as I have done a post about it before) that while I will not deny that Marilyn Monroe was very pretty, she has never been my favorite. I have always looked at her as a ditzy, fake blonde who completely changed herself just for fame, was never true to herself, and would do or say anything just to make a buck from the industry. That's what I thought until very recently.
For various reasons, I have recently been studying, reading, and watching quite a bit about Miss Monroe, and I was very quickly brought to the realization that I had drawn such conclusions about her in my mind, yet I really had never learned anything about her at all. The more I studied, read, watched and listened, the more I got roped in and I have learned more than I thought could be possible about someone who I thought was so shallow. And I know that undoubtedly, for most people, this story is a familiar one, but I felt I should share what I've learned and pay homage to such a beautiful and real human being. It is as candid and truthful as I can make it according to the information I have obtained from various sources. It is a deeper look at not Marilyn Monroe,but who she always truly was--Norma Jeane.

Marilyn Monroe

Born June 1, 1926

Died August 5, 1962

On the first of June in 1926, a daughter, Norma Jeane Mortenson, was born to single mother Gladys Baker. Even in those earliest days of her life, Norma Jeane went through changes and difficulties. Her mother, Gladys, did not have the financial means to care for a baby, and even worse, it is widely believed that she did not really want to care for her daughter. She did try, though--undoubtedly through a sense of obligation more than anything else. Norma Jeane's love for the movies was also instilled in her very early on. She was born in Los Angeles--the land of the stars. Her mother, Gladys, worked as a film cutter for one of the studios and she would sometimes give Norma Jeane money to go by herself to the movies, in order to keep her out of the way. She also spent many hours at Grauman's Chinese Theater, just going from block to block and looking at the places where many different stars stood. She would spend hours trying to fit her feet into the prints of the stars, but they were usually too big. She would just sigh and say to herself, "Poor little girl. Your turn will never come."

Even though she tried, Gladys was just not mentally or financially able to support her daughter, so Norma Jeane was placed in foster care at a young age. She was sent from home to home, interspersed with brief reunions with her mother. She was unhappy as a child, and just wanted someone to love her as a parent, but she did not truly belong to the people she was sent to live with, so they could never give her the affection she desired. During her time in one foster home, she was even sexually assaulted. There were bright spots for Norma Jeane, though. Probably the foster parent or guardian she was closest to was a close friend of her mother's, Grace McKee. Together the two of them would read magazines about all the latest pictures, and McKee would let Norma Jeane dress up like a movie star--she would even do her hair and makeup for her. They would often take trips to the theater and spend their afternoons watching Hollywood's greatest stars on the big screen.

It was also while she was still fairly young that she met Andre de Dienes, a photographer who was several years older than herself, but the two became very good friends nonetheless. Dienes saw model potential in the young Norma Jeane, and he helped her blossom through many different photograph series. They would take day trips up and down the coast, shooting pictures and talking. Once they took a trip to the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, where they went to visit the grave of Rudolph Valentino. Norma Jeane, still possessed by dreams of becoming a star, noticed that Valentino died the same year she was born and she quietly suggested, "Maybe I was born to take his place." A grim thought considering that Rudolph Valentino's life was also tragically cut short at the age of 31. Dienes was captivated by her--not the platinum blonde, red-lipped starlet that she would later become. No, he was captivated by her then, with her natural beauty, her brown hair, and her simple style. But Dienes was not the only one of Norma Jeane's acquaintance who adored her just the way she was. Long time friend Robert Slatzer once asked her during a day trip to the beach to never change and she said, "I'll never change." After her death, Slatzer described her as a "down-to-earth, pleasant type of girl."

When Norma-Jeane was in high school, she was living with Grace McKee, but McKee decided to relocate to Virginia, and despite everything, decided not to take Norma Jeane with her. A dilemma was created, because if McKee left Norma Jeane behind, she was still young enough that she would be taken into the custody of the state. So, a boy from school who she had a crush on, James Dougherty, was approached and  convinced to marry Norma Jeane to keep her from returning to an orphanage. An overall harsh blow for Norma Jeane, who would learn more and more over time that it was always just a marriage of convenience and nothing more. She remained Mrs. Dougherty, though, for five years, and it was over that span of time that she would take her first steps toward stardom.

James Dougherty enlisted in the military during WWII, and Norma Jeane, a typical housewife, did her part to support the cause by doing factory work. Photographers came around to the munitions factory to take pictures and they took note of Norma Jeane. She was encouraged to look for modeling jobs, so that's what she did. She got a contract with The Blue Book Modeling Agency. This was the time when Norma Jeane underwent her biggest identity change. The agency was more interested in women with lighter hair, so Norma Jeane bleached hers. After changing her appearance, she became one of the agency's most successful models. It was naturally only a matter of time until a Hollywood executive picked up a magazine and discovered her. In 1947, 20th Century Fox offered her a contract. She accepted, but something still wasn't right. That name--Norma Jeane. Too plain sounding, not important enough. Wishing to stay true to her roots and stick with her original dream, Norma Jeane suggested the last name of Monroe, because it was her mother's maiden name. Yes! Monroe! They liked it. Norma Jeane Monroe. No, no, no. Still not right. Norma Monroe? Too clunky sounding. Jeane Monroe? No, it's missing something. How about....Marilyn! Marilyn Monroe--now that sounds sexy. Norma Jeane did not like the name Marilyn, but the executives persuaded her to use it because it would help launch her to stardom, and besides, it was bound to be lucky with MM for initials.

Everything was going well for Marilyn Monroe. She had a contract with a film studio, she was taking singing and dancing lessons, etc. She had finally made it. But Fox would not take her seriously, and at first would not use her at all. Then they only had her in non-speaking roles. Finally she had one line in one scene in a movie, but that was it. Fox released her from her contract and she then headed over to Columbia pictures. She appeared in one movie for them, Ladies of the Chorus (1948) and then she was dropped. After that, it took a while for her to get more film work, but she slowly began to take on smaller parts. Her next big picture was a part in The Asphalt Jungle (1950). It was around 1950 that a talent agent managed to get her a second contract with Fox. In 1951, finally having adequate funds for the first time in her life, Marilyn decided to try and achieve another dream. She enrolled for classes in UCLA where she studied literature and art. She was able to juggle school and her career for a while, because she only had smaller bit parts and promotional pieces in magazines. These magazines sparked an interest in audiences about this Marilyn Monroe--who was she? Where did she come from? In 1952, Marilyn got more significant parts in Clash by Night, We're Not Married! and Don't Bother to Knock. She received very positive reviews, and people wanted to see more of her. More parts came, but people only focused on her beauty, and not the talent that inspired the look. Many more well-seasoned actors of the day automatically wrote her off as a dumb blonde. More rejection for Norma Jeane from the realm she always felt she belonged in. Finally, one of her biggest breakout roles came. Marilyn was cast alongside Jane Russell in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953). The film was an enormous success, and even earned her her own immortalized footprints at the Grauman's Chinese Theater--success for Marilyn. But it came with a price. Her schedule got tighter and busier and she decided she needed to stick with acting, so she dropped out of college--another dream that would never come true for Norma Jeane.

Next came the comedy How to Marry a Millionaire (1953), which also was an enormous help in boosting her career. Yet the reviews were bittersweet for her. She knew too well that it was one of the only films she ever made where the audience could appreciate her for what she was saying and her acting skills rather than how she looked.  What many people even now do not realize about Marilyn Monroe--the bold, sexy, fearless actress--is that she suffered from acute stage fright. She was terrified of being in front of the camera and having to say the right words. Terrified of not getting it right, part of which was a fear of rejection, and part of which was due to her perfectionist personality. She even said that in her dressing room, she wasn't Marilyn Monroe, but just Norma Jeane, and she would work herself up so much that she would be afraid to come out. This led to her being labelled as "difficult" on set, which would only scare her more and make her feel disappointed in herself, so she would often disappear for days at a time. In 1953, after one such incident, Fox suspended her.
While on suspension in 1954, she married Joe DiMaggio. Her marriage proved to be difficult due to her career. She later remarked that DiMaggio married and actually wanted to share a life with Norma Jeane, but to everyone else in the world, Norma Jeane did not exist. Later that same year, Fox reached an agreement with Marilyn and she was cast as the main character in one of her most well recognized films, The Seven Year Itch (1955). The film also was responsible for one of the most iconic scenes in cinematic history when Marilyn was conveniently and very publicly positioned over a subway grate and the air lifted her skirt to revealing heights. It was a scene that turned out to be an iconic representation of her for the rest of her career--success for Marilyn. Their marriage already on the rocks, DiMaggio was infuriated at the scandalous scene. The two had a dispute about it and a matter of weeks later announced their separation--failure for Norma Jeane.
Norma Jeane longed to be a serious actress, but nobody would take her seriously. After the release of The Seven Year Itch, she decided to take a break. She spent her time off in New York, where she was reunited with previous acquaintance Arthur Miller. The two began a relationship and married the next year.The break was short,however, and by the beginning of 1956 she had agreed on a new contract with Fox which obligated her to produce 4 films over a 7 year period. She agreed because she had newly established Marilyn Monroe Productions, in the hopes that it would give her more of a say in how her image was presented to the public. It did very little to help her in the long run. She was cast as an unsophisticated saloon girl in Bus Stop (1956), and then came The Prince and the Showgirl (1957). She desperately wanted the part in the latter film because it was alongside acclaimed Shakespearean actor Laurence Olivier, and she believed that if she could pull it off it would help her image. But she never felt that she earned Olivier's respect and the film only drove it further into her mind that she was just something pretty to take up space in front of the camera. Later that year, in 1957, Marilyn found out that she and new husband, Arthur Miller, were expecting a baby. She was thrilled, even though it meant it would set back her career for a while. In August of 1957, a pregnant Marilyn spent an afternoon at the beach with her husband, and many well publicized photos were taken of her looking radiant in a white bathing suit (see above). What many people do not know is that it was only a matter of hours later, on that same day, that she would return to New York and suffer a miscarriage. A positive outcome for Marilyn, whose career would not be postponed. A broken heart for Norma Jeane.
Marilyn took a year off to recover her from her loss, but her husband encouraged her to return to Hollywood. So, that next year she went back to work and filmed Some Like It Hot (1958). Shortly after filming began, she discovered that she had a second chance and she was once again pregnant. But this too, would end in another miscarriage within 4 months. There was silver lining. Some Like It Hot was a major hit at the box office, and Marilyn won the Golden Globe for Best Actress. But even with her achievements, Marilyn was beginning to sink into a depression. She wasn't happy and couldn't sleep at night. She began to abuse prescription drugs and become more dependent on alcohol. It was also not long after this that she began to seek psychoanalytic treatment. Nothing was going right. Her marriage was failing, and she and Miller would divorce in 1961. Her career was falling apart, she was depressed and tired, but couldn't sleep and had developed a fear of the night. Her psychiatrist, Ralph Greenson, was intrigued and scared of the way that she expressed herself, noting that, "she evoked painful things with no pain." She was empty. She began to deteriorate very quickly. When she turned 35 in 1961 she claimed, "I know I'll never be happy, but at least I can be high-spirited." She had already attempted to commit suicide once before but had been unsuccessful. A confusing portrait of her is portrayed in the last years of her life. To many of her friends and colleagues, Marilyn Monroe seemed positive, healthier and full of life. To Greenson, while he had seen some improvement of her, he still saw Norma Jeane, who was still suffering and had legitimate fears.
On the morning of August 5, 1962, Dr. Greenson's worst fear as a psychiatrist was recognized--he lost a patient. The body of Norma Jeane was found in her Los Angeles home. She had died at the age of 36 from acute barbiturate poisoning. The coroner ruled that it was a probable suicide, and she had certainly tried to take her life before, yet there were many suspicious things involving the scene of her death and evidence found there. It is therefore an unsolved mystery to this day as to whether she committed suicide or was murdered. Who knows, perhaps Norma Jeane just thought she could save herself by killing Marilyn Monroe.

If you are interested in a raw documentary on Marilyn Monroe and her psychoanalysis, there is an excellent documentary on Youtube, just click these and it will take you there:
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9

"Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss,
and fifty cents for your soul."

"I am involved in a freedom ride protesting the loss of the minority rights
belonging to the few remaining earthbound stars. All we demanded
was our right to twinkle."

"It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk.
A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone."

"I don't want to make money. I just want to be wonderful."

"I have feelings too. I am still human.
All I want is to be loved for myself and my talent."