LesMisLesMisLesMis

"There's a grief that cannot be spoken.

 There's a pain that goes on and on.

 Empty chairs at empty tables--

 Now my friends are dead and gone.

 Here, they talked of revolution.

 Here it was they lit the flame.

 Here it was they sang about 'tomorrow,'

 And tomorrow never came.

 From the table in the corner

 They could see a world reborn.

 And they rose with voices ringing.

 I can hear them now!

 The very words that they had sung

 Had become their last communion

 On the lonely barricade at dawn.

 Oh, my friends, my friends, forgive me!

 That I live and you are gone.

 There is a grief that cannot be spoken.

 There's a pain that goes on and on.

 Phantom faces at the window,

 Phantom shadows on the floor.

 Empty chairs at empty tables

 Where my friends will meet no more.

 Oh, my friends, my friends, don't ask me

 What your sacrifice was for.

 Empty chairs at empty tables

 Where my friends will meet no more...

...Do you hear the people sing,

Lost in the valley of the night?

It is a music of a people

Who are climbing to the light.

For the wretched of the earth

There is a flame that never dies.

Even the darkest night will end,

And the sun will rise!

They will live again in freedom

In the garden of the Lord

They will walk behind the plough-share

They will put away the sword.

The chain will be broken

And all men will have their reward.

Will you join in our crusade?

Who will be strong and stand with me?

Somewhere beyond the barricade

Is there a world you long to see?

Do you hear the people sing?

Say, do you hear the distant drums?

It is the future that they bring

When tomorrow comes!"

Seriously.So inspirational...the ending gave me goosebumps.

Can't wait to buy the soundtrack.And to buy the movie and watch it again...and again...and again...

Happeh, happeh, happeh..

"God is so good.

God is so good.

God is so good,

He's so good to me."

Growing up in a church, I learned these words and the little tune that goes with them from a very early age, and I have always known they are true. But have you ever had a moment, with any song that you love, where, even though you know and understand what it means, it isn't until something happens that you really and truly are profoundly hit with how true and meaningful it really is?

You know, the Bible tells us that life will be hard and that we will struggle. It tells us that in every one of our lives, there are seasons that we go through and among those seasons are ones of sorrow, loneliness, etc. You probably know the old saying that there must be darkness so we can appreciate the light. And beyond all of this, the Lord promises in His word that if we remain close to Him and do His bidding in those times of struggle then we will be immeasurably blessed.

Like I said, I knew the words to that little Sunday school song, and I've known what they say for years of my life. But I never was truly rooted to the spot with their understanding and meaning until God specifically showed me what they mean in my own life. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. He's just so good like that :)

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in Me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."

John 16:33

"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace. What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

"Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God, who made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, who keeps faith forever."

Psalms 146:5-6

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work."

2 Corinthians 9:8

There is a life about to start when tomorrow comes..

"There was a time when men were kind
 When their voices were soft
 And their words inviting.
 There was a time when love was blind
 And the world was a song,
 And the song was exciting.
 There was a time
 Then it all went wrong.
 I dreamed a dream in time gone by
 When hope was high
 And life worth living.
 I dreamed that love would never die.
 I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
 Then I was young and unafraid
 And dreams were made and used and wasted.
 There was no ransom to be paid,
 No song unsung, no wine untasted.
 But the tigers come at night
 With their voices, soft as thunder
 As they tear your hope apart,
 As they turn your dream to shame.
 He slept a summer by my side,
 He filled my days with endless wonder.
 He took my childhood in his stride,
 But he was gone when autumn came.
 And still I dream he'll come to me,
 That we will live the years together.
 But there are dreams that cannot be
 And there are storms we cannot weather.
 I had a dream my life would be
 So different from this hell I'm living.
 So different now from what it seemed.
 Now life has killed the dream I dreamed."

"Do you hear the people sing?

Singing a song of angry men?

It is the music of a people 

Who will not be slaves again!

When the beating of your heart

Echoes the beating of the drums

There is a life about to start

When tomorrow comes!

Will you join in our crusade?

Who will be strong and stand with me?

Beyond the barricade

Is there a world you long to see?

Courfeyrac:

Then join in the fight

That will give you the right to be free!

Do you hear the people sing?

Singing a song of angry men?

It is the music of a people

Who will not be slaves again!

When the beating of your heart

Echoes the beating of the drums

There is a life about to start

When tomorrow comes!

So will you give all you can give

So that our banner may advance?

Some will fall and some will live.

Will you stand up and take your chance?

The blood of the martyrs

Will water the meadows of France!

Do you hear the people sing?

Singing a song of angry men?

It is the music of a people

Who will not be slaves again!

When the beating of your heart

Echoes the beating of the drums

There is a life about to start

When tomorrow comes!"

"Suddenly I see, suddenly it starts.

 When two anxious hearts beat as one.

 Yesterday I was alone.

 Today you walk beside me.

 Something still unclear,

 Something not yet here has begun.

 Suddenly the world seems a different place,

 Somehow full of grace and delight.

 How was I to know that 

 So much love was held inside me?

 Something fresh and young,

 Something still unsung fills the night.

 How was I supposed to know at last

 That happiness can come so fast?

 Trusting me the way you do,

 I'm so afraid of failing you.

 Just a child who cannot know

 That danger follows where I go.

 There are shadows everywhere

 And memories I cannot share.

 Nevermore alone, nevermore apart.

 You have warmed my heart like the sun.

 You have brought the gift of

 Life and love so long denied me.

 Suddenly I see what I could not see.

 Something suddenly has begun."

BEST.MOVIE.EVER.

Loving London

I am your typical college student in that when I am doing homework, I spend half of my time going through my open Facebook page and Twitter feed.
This afternoon I was doing just that and saw that one of my friends shared a page on Facebook called Loving London (link below). I checked it out and I'm still reeling from everything I read and saw there.
It is a page created by a young woman who is giving birth to her son, London tomorrow, December 7, and he is also going to die tomorrow. On the page she shares their story--how she wasn't expected to get pregnant but did, and it was part way through her pregnancy that their son, still in the womb, was diagnosed with Anencephaly, which is fatal. In reading their story, I was amazingly touched at what she had to say--it reminded me of exactly the reasons why I am pro-life. She couldn't bring herself to terminate her pregnancy because even if her son does not live very long once he is born, he is living now inside her womb. He is growing, moving, and kicking even as she prepares for his death by filling out certificates and various things like that.
I have no children, I'm not married, and I have never been pregnant, so I absolutely cannot even begin to imagine the strength that these parents have to prepare for a young son's life, knowing that it may only last a couple of hours, or maybe even less. The love abounds on that Facebook page, and it brought me to tears.

It was just an amazing little (actually, it was pretty big) nudge at my heart. I've been going through quite a bit of difficult things lately and I've been so stressed and overwhelmed with all kinds of things, but this was a miraculous reminder that life is such a blessing, no matter what you face, or how long it lasts. Life is a miracle in itself, and we should have more of an awareness of that--we are all just walking and talking miracles, no matter how long we are here on earth.And just like the Facebook page Loving London, our lives abound with love and blessings from God, no matter what form they take. And London's life will be no different-it is and will be a miracle that is obviously already blessing people from all sorts of different places and locations, including his parents.

I don't even personally know these people, but their story has touched my heart so much that I have to share it with others. And I ask that you, like me, will pray for them tomorrow as London is delivered and takes his first and last breaths more than likely in a matter of hours. It is apparent that they are strong and courageous people just by being willing to share their story in the hopes that it will bless others, but they will need even more strength and comfort tomorrow, no matter how much they have prepared in the previous months.

Please take the time to look at this page, share some words of encouragement and prayers.

I hope it blesses you as much as it has me.

Loving London Facebook Page

I'll be home for Christmas!

"I'm dreaming tonight of a place I love

 Even more than I usually do.

 And although I know it's a long road back,

 I promise you...

 I'll be home for Christmas.

 You can count on me.

 Please have snow and mistletoe,

 And presents on the tree.

 Christmas Eve will find me

 Where the lovelight gleams.

 I'll be home for Christmas

 If only in my dreams."

Only 2 more weeks exactly.

I'm so excited!

It's that time of year when the world falls in love..

"Frosted windowpanes, candles gleaming inside.

 Painted candy canes on the tree.

 Santa's on his way, he's filled his sleigh with things,

 Things for you and for me.

 It's that time of year when the world falls in love.

 Every song you hear seems to say,

'Merry Christmas, may your New Years dreams come true.'

 And this song of mine in three quarter time

 Wishes you and yours the same thing too.

 It's that time of year when the world falls in love.

 Every song you hear seems to say,

'Merry Christmas, may your New Years dreams come true.'

 And this song of mine in three quarter time

 Wishes you and yours the same thing too."

Marriage and Ministry

So, I recently, by means of a similar subject, was directed to read an article someone wrote on the failure of a marriage of John Wesley, which made some pretty bold assertions, to say the least.
John Wesley was a Methodist minister who has gone down in history for his passionate preaching and evangelism with other people. However, it is definitely true that he did not have the best of marriages.
I know that it wouldn't be that uncommon for people to make the assertion or declaration that if a minister has a troubled or not ideal home life (like Wesley) then he should not be in a place of power or influence within the ministry. And honestly, I feel like that is a pretty bold statement to make.
And the number one problem that I have with that article (which you can find here: Sacrificing Your Marriage on the Altar of your Job: Examining John Wesley's Train Wreck of a Marriage) is that by the time you get to the last couple of paragraphs, the author is making the dangerous assertion (whether it was intentional or not) that the "ministry" of marriage comes before the ministry in the church.
The article even says, "Know this-If you are a minister of the Gospel, your marriage is your first ministry. If you fail at this first one, your second ministry is tainted."

I feel like that really put the nail in the coffin, so to speak, as to my disagreeing with the article as a whole. Because I don't think that statement is necessarily true. I think that the Bible shows that marriage is of equal importance with your ministry in the church. I agree that it is true that the Bible makes it clear the church leaders need to have upstanding character, especially within their home lives, but the truth is that there are only a select number of people who are specially called by God to actually preach within His house. That's a pretty special calling, and it becomes a way of life. And every pastor I have ever known is a workaholic, to say the least. And every pastor's wife I have ever known has had to accept the fact that their husband's work within the Lord's house comes as a first. That doesn't mean that their marriage is not important, but they gain an understanding of the hierarchy of God before all else. The truth is that God has to be number one in our personal lives, and then that should effect all the other facets of our lives, from our jobs to our marriages and other relationships, etc. And I did not see that statement anywhere within the article.
Yes, it can be said that John Wesley should not have entered into his marriage without establishing some common ground with his wife first. But it can and should be said that Molly Wesley should not have considered entering into marriage with John unless she had a good understanding that a minister's work is never done and it's God's work, and that definitely makes a difference in a marriage. There was also no mention of that within the article.

And there was no credit given to John Wesley that, despite all of the problems his marriage faced and the fact that his wife was abusive, he never even tried to divorce her. No matter his reasons for staying married to her, the fact of the matter is that he did, and that's a pretty big deal, especially nowadays when people seem to get divorced at the drop of a hat. If ever there was a marriage that appears to have had Irreconcilable Differences, it was the Wesley's. And yet, Wesley chose not to act on those irreconcilable differences.

I also think that, to make the statement that Wesley should not have held such influence in the ministerial position that he had because of his personal problems, is to, in a way, discount all of the good influence he had and the wonderful progress he did make for God's kingdom. Because to make that assertion is like saying that God cannot bring someone forth from the difficulty of their home life, help them learn from their problems, issues, and mistakes, and help use that to minister to others. Because God CAN do that. I've even seen it. The most important thing is that the person in question is right with God within his own heart.

Now, I am a child of divorce. So I don't sympathize or empathize with people who get divorced, because the Bible is pretty clear that divorce is not the way to go about your marital problems, but I do understand divorce and the reasoning behind it. Whereas sometimes, I think it is safe to say that it is much more difficult for someone who comes from a wholesome family where marital problems are not on general display, to understand or objectively look at the other side.

I by no means wish to bash the author of the article on John Wesley's marriage. This article is more for my own musings in an "agree-to-disagree" sort of way. But I just feel like they were making some pretty bold statements and not really giving proper representation to all of the facts. Bottom line--I agree that you can't properly minister if you can't keep your home life in order. But so often ministry comes first, so that's why people called to the ministry need to marry someone who can reconcile that, so as to better solve their problems when the time comes. Because being a minister's wife is just as much of a calling as being a minister.

Hallelujah!

FINALLY!!

I am officially on Thanksgiving break!
That makes me majorly excited for various reasons.
It makes me excited that it means I get a break from classes for the next several days, and it makes me equally excited that I am officially done with the Fall of '48 campaign, so I can rest up and organize my schedule for A Very Vintage Christmas.
It makes me outrageously excited because it means that I can officially start celebrating and decorating for Christmas on Saturday, and it's common knowledge that I get a little nutty over Christmas, because we all know that I am basically a Christmas elf who got switched and sent into the muggle world at birth...that's how that works, right?
And finally, it makes me excited that Thanksgiving itself is on Thursday, which means I get a lot of wonderful and tasty food, and I get to spend quality time with my friends and family. And speaking of Thanksgiving, which makes me think of things to be thankful for...I haven't done the whole Thanksgiving/Things I Am Thankful For countdown on Facebook like most of my friends have, but I have been thinking about all of the things I am blessed with, and there are so many of them.
I'm so blessed to have my family, my second family, my friends, and everyone else who bends over backwards to help me when I need it, whether I just need a good laugh, or I am really in trouble. I'm also pretty lucky to have teachers, counselors and other new friends on campus who care about my well being. And I'm equally thankful for my church family, because they are just as important as my actual family--you can't get through life without spiritual support from those around you, and I have been beyond blessed to find peace with my church family over the last year, in the church that I was raised in and that my grandpa preached in. And the number one thing I am thankful for is God, and the fact that He cares for me and has a plan of salvation for me, and the fact that every single day I wake up to His grace all around me. I think it is pretty safe to say that I feel like I have quite a bit to be thankful for this year.

Anyways, now that I've typed up a post so sappy that most of you probably won't get through a full paragraph, I'll be signing off, wishing you a wonderful and happy Thanksgiving!

Forget it.

I'm so glad to know that our friendship apparently didn't mean as much as I thought it did.
I mean, don't get me wrong, it's dead depressing, but at least now I know where you stand.
I don't know about you, but whenever I chose to get the word "Promise" permanently etched onto my body, that meant a lot to me. And I would've assumed it meant a lot to you as well, because why would you do it if it didn't mean anything at all?
And it's still fresh in my memory that less than a month ago, when I was already starting to feel slightly excluded and outnumbered, one of you promised me that you would never treat me like that because you know how it feels to be at the other end. Well, guess what you're doing now?You're just joining in and everything you all do (or don't do, really) makes me feel outnumbered, unwanted, friendless, and depressed.
I really don't know what happened. I can't read your minds, so if you don't tell me that there's a problem then I don't know what it is. But I would have thought that after living together for over a year now, at least two of you would know that I care about you and consider you some of my best friends, and that I would never intentionally do something to hurt you. I would think that you would know by now that I'm not that kind of person, and that I'm not the kind of person that throws temper tantrums on a regular basis, which should show you that I'm feeling really hurt. And yet either you can't see that or else you just don't care. Because I'd say it's pretty obvious how much this is hurting me and how confusing I find it. Yet you can sit in the same room, less than 5 feet away from me, and you can completely ignore my tears and pretend like I'm not even there.
So, here's to our friendship...
Except really it would probably make more sense to say here's to insincerity, dishonesty, selfishness, pain and hurt.
I know that this song isn't necessarily about friendship, but it still describes what I'm feeling pretty perfectly, because I do love you guys..I thought we had a more sincere friendship than this. But forget it. If you don't want it then I'm not going to force it on you. So, I guess if you decide you do still want to be friends or at least want to tell me why this is happening, then you know where to find me. But in the meantime, so long.

An unwanted apology

I'm sorry for whatever it is that I said or did to make you shun me like you do.
I'm sorry that I tried to be a good friend but apparently I wasn't good enough.
My bad for thinking that everything was okay.
I'm sorry that I'm non-confrontational,so I'd rather just let you be since it appears that you don't want me around anymore.
I'm sorry that I can't read your mind so I don't know what it is that I have supposedly done.
I'm sorry if you just feel like I'm not the same person anymore, but to be honest, I could say the same about you.
I'm sorry that I don't understand what's going on, so I therefore don't feel like I have done anything wrong.
I wish things could go back to normal. And maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like the ball is in your court, so to speak. Like I said, I'm fairly non-confrontational, and I don't want to say the wrong thing so that things get even worse around here, so I'll just standby and hope that you can see that I don't know what it is that I did, but I am sorry that things ever got this bad. I'm tired of living in this little box with unspoken words between us, feeling outnumbered and unwanted.
And I'm sorry if you should happen to read this (though you probably won't) and it upsets you.
Because none of this was ever my intention at all.
I'm sorry.

Oh,how I want to be free..

"I want to break free.

 I want to break free.

 I want to break free from your lies,

 You're so self-satisfied, I don't need you.

 I've got to break free.

 God knows, God knows I want to break free.

 I've fallen in love.

 I've fallen in love for the first time,

 This time I know it's for real.

 I've fallen in love.

 God knows, God knows I've fallen in love.

 It's strange but it's true,

 I can't get over the way you love me like you do.

 But I have to be sure when I walk out the door.

 Oh, how I want to be free, baby.

 Oh, how I want to be free.

 Oh, how I want to break free.

 But life still goes on.

 I can't get used to livin' without you by my side.

 I don't want to live alone.

 God knows I've got to make it on my own.

 So baby, can't you see I've got to break free?

 I've got to break free.

 I want to break free."

Blast from the past

Wow.
The other day I was trying to transfer some files from my phone to my computadora, so I took the memory card out of my phone and put it into my computer and you would not believe all the old pictures and videos from high school that I found on there. And there is no rhyme or reason to any of it either. Some of the stuff is from Jr/Sr ("prom" for all intents and purposes), some of it is from my senior class trip, some of it is from my friends graduation the year before mine, and some of it is completely random.
But it is all just too good to pass up, so here are some of my favorites.
Sincerely,
Laughing Myself Silly

A post with no purpose

So, I am a book worm--no secret there. I love to read and I love all books.  There are very few books that I can pick up and not get into. However, there are also very few books that I literally adore so much that I read them every year on a schedule and I always, without fail, get sad whenever I finish them. Those would be To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee, and Little Women by Louisa May Alcott.
Therefore, sticking with my self-made tradition of reading Little Women every year just before Thanksgiving and again at Christmas/New Year's, I am getting ready to work through it's pages. So, (also due to me being the weirdo that I am) I am preparing myself by listening to the Little Women 1994 film soundtrack. As the strains of Thomas Newman float in one ear and out of the other, I can't help but dwell on a family feud that my mother and I have over the story.

Naturally, given my love of Little Women, I've seen each film adaptation there is. The interesting thing is that I did not love reading as a small child, so I didn't read the book at all until high school and even then I could never get through the whole thing. I had a problem because, out of all of the film adaptations, the 1994 version has always been my favorite, and since I became familiar with it before I ever read the book, I was afraid to finish the book because I was afraid of the differences I would find in it. And Beth has always been my favorite sister, so I was actually afraid of reading her death scene, because they made it so special in the movie that I didn't want it to be different and not as sentimental. Well, finally, in my freshman year of college, I bucked up and read the whole book, laughing and weeping my eyes out along the way because I began to see that the book was very similar, but even the differences it had were okay--they weren't so different that I couldn't hold onto my movie details, and they were more special because they were original, came before the film, and were written by Louisa May Alcott herself. Who knew?

So, anyways, back to the family feud. Since I fell in love with the 1994 film long before I ever read the book, naturally, when I did finally read it, Susan Sarandon was my Marmee, Winona Ryder was my Jo, Trini Alvarado was my Meg, Kirsten Dunst was my Amy, Claire Danes was my Beth, AND Christian Bale was my Laurie. My mother is a literature purist and doesn't tend to adhere to film adaptations very well because "they are never the same," so you have to take whatever she says with a grain of salt, but the big issue we have is that Christian Bale is not her Laurie. Do you need me to repeat that? I don't blame you--it's pretty shocking.

Christian Bale is not her Laurie.

And it gets worse. Not only does she just not picture him as Laurie in her head, but she does not think he makes a good Laurie at all. It's an endless debate. I think he's the perfect Laurie--more perfect than Douglass Montgomery, Peter Lawford, or Richard Gilliand. And just like all of the rest of the cast from the 1994 version of Little Women, it doesn't matter what movie I see any of them in or how well they craft and play their part, I will ALWAYS look at Susan Sarandon and see my Marmee, Winona Ryder will ALWAYS be my Jo, Trini Alvarado will ALWAYS be my Meg, Kirsten Dunst will ALWAYS be my Amy (what happened to her, by the way?Did she just fall off the face of the earth?), Claire Danes will ALWAYS be my Beth, and it doesn't matter if he's playing a serial killer or he's decided that he's Batman, underneath his feeble costume, Christian Bale will ALWAYS be my Laurie. End of story.

So, to all the people who are undoubtedly not going to read this, if you have read the book or seen the movie (preferably both), what do you think? Who is your favorite Laurie? Or do you have a Laurie all your own inside your head? But, for arguments sake in this post, please just tell me I'm right and my mother is wrong.

"I'll try and be what he loves to call me, a 'little woman,' and not be rough and wild; but do my duty here instead of wanting to be somewhere else."

-Jo March, Little Women

"I may be strong-minded, but no one can say I'm out of my sphere now, for woman's special mission is supposed to be drying tears and bearing burdens."

-Jo March, Little Women

"If we are all alive ten years hence, let's meet, and see how many of us have got our wishes, or how much nearer we are then than now.."

-Jo March, Little Women

"Seldom except in books do the dying utter memorable words, see visions, or depart with beatified countenances, and those who have sped many parting soul know that to most the end comes as naturally and simply as sleep. As Beth had hoped, the 'tide went out easily,' and in the dark before dawn, on the bosom where she had drawn her first breath, she quietly drew her last, with no farewell but one loving look, one little sigh."

-Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

I remember it all too well..

"I walked through the door with you.

 It was cold, but something about it felt like home somehow,

 And I left my scarf there at your sister's house

 And you've still got it in your drawer even now.

 Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze.

 We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate.

 The autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place.

 And I can picture it after all these days.

 And I know it's long gone, and that magic's not here no more,

 And I might be okay but I'm not fine at all.

 'Cause there we are again on that little town street.

 You almost ran the red 'cause you were looking over at me.

 Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well.

 Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red.

 You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin size bed.

 Your mother's telling stories about you on the t-ball team.

 You tell me about your past, thinking your future was me.

 And I know it's long gone, and there's nothing else I could do.

 And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to.

 'Cause there we are again, in the middle of the night,

 We're dancing 'round the kitchen in the refrigerator light.

 Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well.

 And maybe we got lost in translation.

 Maybe I asked for too much.

 But maybe this thing was a masterpiece

 'Til you tore it all up,

 Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.

 And you call me up again just to break me like a promise,

 So casually cruel in the name of being honest.

 I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here,

 'Cause I remember it all too well.

 Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it.

 I'd like to be my old self again but I'm still trying to find it.

 After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own,

 Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone.

 But you keep my old scarf from that very first week

 'Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me.

 You can't get rid of it cause you remember it all too well.

 'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so.

 Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known.

 It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well.

 Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all too well.

 Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all too well.

 It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well."

And I hope sometimes you wonder about me..

"I bet this time of night you're still up.

 I bet you're tired from a long, hard week.

 I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window,

 Looking out at the city,

 And I bet sometimes you wonder about me.

 And I just want to tell you

 It takes everything in me not to call you.

 And I wish I could run to you.

 And I hope you know, every time I don't,

 I almost do.

 I bet you think I either moved on or hate you

 Cause each time you reach out there's no reply.

 I bet it never ever occurred to you that

 I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye.

 And I just want to tell you

 It takes everything in me not to call you.

 And I wish I could run to you.

 And I hope you know, every time I don't,

 I almost do.

 Oh, we made quite a mess, babe.

 It's probably better off this way.

 And I confess, babe, in my dreams

 You're touching my face and asking me

 If I want to try again with you,

 And I almost do.

 And I just want to tell you

 It takes everything in me not to call you.

 And I wish I could run to you

 And I hope you know, every time I don't,

 I almost do.

 I bet this time of night you're still up.

 I bet you're tired from a long, hard week.

 I bet you're sitting in your chair beside the window,

 Looking out at the city.

 And I hope sometimes you wonder about me."

You are the only one that you need to save..

"If you wanted somebody to save

 Well, that's not me. It won't be me.

 You're always waiting for the sky to cave

 So you can be the man who put it together again.

 Well, you pray for the storm

 When it starts raining.

 Yeah, you pray for the storm

 That you've been chasing.

 Why do you pray for the storm?

 If you wanted somebody to play the part,

 I don't have the heart to start with you.

 You're always twisting words

 Until they break apart.

 I don't wanna break.

 That's why I cannot stay with you.

 Well, you pray for the storm

 When it starts raining.

 Yeah, you pray for the storm

 That you've been chasing.

 Why do you pray for the storm?

 Why do you pray for rain

 To cover your world in grey?

 You are the only one that you need to save.

 You wanted to be a savior,

 Now you're some kind of criminal saint.

 You are the only one that you need to save."

My guys

Meet my boys:  James Fred Cagney and Humphrey George Bogart.
Yes, I just gave you a classic film reference and a Harry Potter reference all in one...You're welcome.

Winds of Heaven,Stuff of Earth

"There's more that rises in the morning than the sun,

 And more that shines in the night than just the moon.

 It's more than just this fire, here, that keeps me warm,

 In a shelter that is larger than this room.

 And there's a loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiments,

 And a music higher than the songs that I can sing.

 The stuff of earth competes for the allegiance I owe

 Only to the Giver of all good things.

 So if I stand, let me stand on the promise

 That You will pull me through.

 And if I can't, let me fall on the grace

 That first brought me to You.

 And if I sing, let me sing for the joy

 That has born in me these songs.

 And if I weep, let it be as a man

 Who is longing for his home.

 There's more that dances on the prairies than the wind.

 More that pulses in the ocean than the tide.

 There's a love that is fiercer than the love between friends.

 More gentle than a mother's when her baby's at her side.

 And there's a loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiments,

 And a music higher than the songs that I can sing.

 The stuff of earth competes for the allegiance I owe

 Only to the Giver of all good things.

 So if I stand, let me stand on the promise

 That You will pull me through.

 And if I can't, let me fall on the grace

 That first brought me to You.

 And if I sing, let me sing for the joy

 That has born in me these songs.

 And if I weep, let it be as a man

 Who is longing for his home."

"I had a professor one time. He said, 'Class, you will forget everything I will teach you in here, so please remember this: that God spoke to Balaam through his ass, and He has been speaking through asses ever since. So, if God should choose to speak through you, you need not think too highly of yourself. And, if on meeting someone, right away you recognize what they are, listen to them anyway."

-Rich Mullins

"...if I want to identify with Jesus Christ, who I claim to be my Savior and Lord the best way I can do that is to identify with the poor. This, I know, will go against the teachings of all the popular evangelical preachers. But they're just wrong. They're not bad, they're just wrong. Christianity is not about building an absolutely secure little niche in the world where you can live with your perfect little wife, and your perfect little children, in your beautiful house, where you have no gays or minority groups anywhere near you. Christianity is about learning to love like Jesus loved, and Jesus loved the poor, and Jesus loved the broken."

-Rich Mullins

Underneath the Makeup:A Candid Portrait of MM

I live in a world of black and white, of classic films, handsome and dashing leading men, and effortlessly beautiful and talented actresses. That's my reality--the place I spend most of my time. So, naturally, I am familiar with the work of Hollywood's most recognizable icon--Marilyn Monroe.
It is also no secret (seeing as I have done a post about it before) that while I will not deny that Marilyn Monroe was very pretty, she has never been my favorite. I have always looked at her as a ditzy, fake blonde who completely changed herself just for fame, was never true to herself, and would do or say anything just to make a buck from the industry. That's what I thought until very recently.
For various reasons, I have recently been studying, reading, and watching quite a bit about Miss Monroe, and I was very quickly brought to the realization that I had drawn such conclusions about her in my mind, yet I really had never learned anything about her at all. The more I studied, read, watched and listened, the more I got roped in and I have learned more than I thought could be possible about someone who I thought was so shallow. And I know that undoubtedly, for most people, this story is a familiar one, but I felt I should share what I've learned and pay homage to such a beautiful and real human being. It is as candid and truthful as I can make it according to the information I have obtained from various sources. It is a deeper look at not Marilyn Monroe,but who she always truly was--Norma Jeane.

Marilyn Monroe

Born June 1, 1926

Died August 5, 1962

On the first of June in 1926, a daughter, Norma Jeane Mortenson, was born to single mother Gladys Baker. Even in those earliest days of her life, Norma Jeane went through changes and difficulties. Her mother, Gladys, did not have the financial means to care for a baby, and even worse, it is widely believed that she did not really want to care for her daughter. She did try, though--undoubtedly through a sense of obligation more than anything else. Norma Jeane's love for the movies was also instilled in her very early on. She was born in Los Angeles--the land of the stars. Her mother, Gladys, worked as a film cutter for one of the studios and she would sometimes give Norma Jeane money to go by herself to the movies, in order to keep her out of the way. She also spent many hours at Grauman's Chinese Theater, just going from block to block and looking at the places where many different stars stood. She would spend hours trying to fit her feet into the prints of the stars, but they were usually too big. She would just sigh and say to herself, "Poor little girl. Your turn will never come."

Even though she tried, Gladys was just not mentally or financially able to support her daughter, so Norma Jeane was placed in foster care at a young age. She was sent from home to home, interspersed with brief reunions with her mother. She was unhappy as a child, and just wanted someone to love her as a parent, but she did not truly belong to the people she was sent to live with, so they could never give her the affection she desired. During her time in one foster home, she was even sexually assaulted. There were bright spots for Norma Jeane, though. Probably the foster parent or guardian she was closest to was a close friend of her mother's, Grace McKee. Together the two of them would read magazines about all the latest pictures, and McKee would let Norma Jeane dress up like a movie star--she would even do her hair and makeup for her. They would often take trips to the theater and spend their afternoons watching Hollywood's greatest stars on the big screen.

It was also while she was still fairly young that she met Andre de Dienes, a photographer who was several years older than herself, but the two became very good friends nonetheless. Dienes saw model potential in the young Norma Jeane, and he helped her blossom through many different photograph series. They would take day trips up and down the coast, shooting pictures and talking. Once they took a trip to the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, where they went to visit the grave of Rudolph Valentino. Norma Jeane, still possessed by dreams of becoming a star, noticed that Valentino died the same year she was born and she quietly suggested, "Maybe I was born to take his place." A grim thought considering that Rudolph Valentino's life was also tragically cut short at the age of 31. Dienes was captivated by her--not the platinum blonde, red-lipped starlet that she would later become. No, he was captivated by her then, with her natural beauty, her brown hair, and her simple style. But Dienes was not the only one of Norma Jeane's acquaintance who adored her just the way she was. Long time friend Robert Slatzer once asked her during a day trip to the beach to never change and she said, "I'll never change." After her death, Slatzer described her as a "down-to-earth, pleasant type of girl."

When Norma-Jeane was in high school, she was living with Grace McKee, but McKee decided to relocate to Virginia, and despite everything, decided not to take Norma Jeane with her. A dilemma was created, because if McKee left Norma Jeane behind, she was still young enough that she would be taken into the custody of the state. So, a boy from school who she had a crush on, James Dougherty, was approached and  convinced to marry Norma Jeane to keep her from returning to an orphanage. An overall harsh blow for Norma Jeane, who would learn more and more over time that it was always just a marriage of convenience and nothing more. She remained Mrs. Dougherty, though, for five years, and it was over that span of time that she would take her first steps toward stardom.

James Dougherty enlisted in the military during WWII, and Norma Jeane, a typical housewife, did her part to support the cause by doing factory work. Photographers came around to the munitions factory to take pictures and they took note of Norma Jeane. She was encouraged to look for modeling jobs, so that's what she did. She got a contract with The Blue Book Modeling Agency. This was the time when Norma Jeane underwent her biggest identity change. The agency was more interested in women with lighter hair, so Norma Jeane bleached hers. After changing her appearance, she became one of the agency's most successful models. It was naturally only a matter of time until a Hollywood executive picked up a magazine and discovered her. In 1947, 20th Century Fox offered her a contract. She accepted, but something still wasn't right. That name--Norma Jeane. Too plain sounding, not important enough. Wishing to stay true to her roots and stick with her original dream, Norma Jeane suggested the last name of Monroe, because it was her mother's maiden name. Yes! Monroe! They liked it. Norma Jeane Monroe. No, no, no. Still not right. Norma Monroe? Too clunky sounding. Jeane Monroe? No, it's missing something. How about....Marilyn! Marilyn Monroe--now that sounds sexy. Norma Jeane did not like the name Marilyn, but the executives persuaded her to use it because it would help launch her to stardom, and besides, it was bound to be lucky with MM for initials.

Everything was going well for Marilyn Monroe. She had a contract with a film studio, she was taking singing and dancing lessons, etc. She had finally made it. But Fox would not take her seriously, and at first would not use her at all. Then they only had her in non-speaking roles. Finally she had one line in one scene in a movie, but that was it. Fox released her from her contract and she then headed over to Columbia pictures. She appeared in one movie for them, Ladies of the Chorus (1948) and then she was dropped. After that, it took a while for her to get more film work, but she slowly began to take on smaller parts. Her next big picture was a part in The Asphalt Jungle (1950). It was around 1950 that a talent agent managed to get her a second contract with Fox. In 1951, finally having adequate funds for the first time in her life, Marilyn decided to try and achieve another dream. She enrolled for classes in UCLA where she studied literature and art. She was able to juggle school and her career for a while, because she only had smaller bit parts and promotional pieces in magazines. These magazines sparked an interest in audiences about this Marilyn Monroe--who was she? Where did she come from? In 1952, Marilyn got more significant parts in Clash by Night, We're Not Married! and Don't Bother to Knock. She received very positive reviews, and people wanted to see more of her. More parts came, but people only focused on her beauty, and not the talent that inspired the look. Many more well-seasoned actors of the day automatically wrote her off as a dumb blonde. More rejection for Norma Jeane from the realm she always felt she belonged in. Finally, one of her biggest breakout roles came. Marilyn was cast alongside Jane Russell in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953). The film was an enormous success, and even earned her her own immortalized footprints at the Grauman's Chinese Theater--success for Marilyn. But it came with a price. Her schedule got tighter and busier and she decided she needed to stick with acting, so she dropped out of college--another dream that would never come true for Norma Jeane.

Next came the comedy How to Marry a Millionaire (1953), which also was an enormous help in boosting her career. Yet the reviews were bittersweet for her. She knew too well that it was one of the only films she ever made where the audience could appreciate her for what she was saying and her acting skills rather than how she looked.  What many people even now do not realize about Marilyn Monroe--the bold, sexy, fearless actress--is that she suffered from acute stage fright. She was terrified of being in front of the camera and having to say the right words. Terrified of not getting it right, part of which was a fear of rejection, and part of which was due to her perfectionist personality. She even said that in her dressing room, she wasn't Marilyn Monroe, but just Norma Jeane, and she would work herself up so much that she would be afraid to come out. This led to her being labelled as "difficult" on set, which would only scare her more and make her feel disappointed in herself, so she would often disappear for days at a time. In 1953, after one such incident, Fox suspended her.
While on suspension in 1954, she married Joe DiMaggio. Her marriage proved to be difficult due to her career. She later remarked that DiMaggio married and actually wanted to share a life with Norma Jeane, but to everyone else in the world, Norma Jeane did not exist. Later that same year, Fox reached an agreement with Marilyn and she was cast as the main character in one of her most well recognized films, The Seven Year Itch (1955). The film also was responsible for one of the most iconic scenes in cinematic history when Marilyn was conveniently and very publicly positioned over a subway grate and the air lifted her skirt to revealing heights. It was a scene that turned out to be an iconic representation of her for the rest of her career--success for Marilyn. Their marriage already on the rocks, DiMaggio was infuriated at the scandalous scene. The two had a dispute about it and a matter of weeks later announced their separation--failure for Norma Jeane.
Norma Jeane longed to be a serious actress, but nobody would take her seriously. After the release of The Seven Year Itch, she decided to take a break. She spent her time off in New York, where she was reunited with previous acquaintance Arthur Miller. The two began a relationship and married the next year.The break was short,however, and by the beginning of 1956 she had agreed on a new contract with Fox which obligated her to produce 4 films over a 7 year period. She agreed because she had newly established Marilyn Monroe Productions, in the hopes that it would give her more of a say in how her image was presented to the public. It did very little to help her in the long run. She was cast as an unsophisticated saloon girl in Bus Stop (1956), and then came The Prince and the Showgirl (1957). She desperately wanted the part in the latter film because it was alongside acclaimed Shakespearean actor Laurence Olivier, and she believed that if she could pull it off it would help her image. But she never felt that she earned Olivier's respect and the film only drove it further into her mind that she was just something pretty to take up space in front of the camera. Later that year, in 1957, Marilyn found out that she and new husband, Arthur Miller, were expecting a baby. She was thrilled, even though it meant it would set back her career for a while. In August of 1957, a pregnant Marilyn spent an afternoon at the beach with her husband, and many well publicized photos were taken of her looking radiant in a white bathing suit (see above). What many people do not know is that it was only a matter of hours later, on that same day, that she would return to New York and suffer a miscarriage. A positive outcome for Marilyn, whose career would not be postponed. A broken heart for Norma Jeane.
Marilyn took a year off to recover her from her loss, but her husband encouraged her to return to Hollywood. So, that next year she went back to work and filmed Some Like It Hot (1958). Shortly after filming began, she discovered that she had a second chance and she was once again pregnant. But this too, would end in another miscarriage within 4 months. There was silver lining. Some Like It Hot was a major hit at the box office, and Marilyn won the Golden Globe for Best Actress. But even with her achievements, Marilyn was beginning to sink into a depression. She wasn't happy and couldn't sleep at night. She began to abuse prescription drugs and become more dependent on alcohol. It was also not long after this that she began to seek psychoanalytic treatment. Nothing was going right. Her marriage was failing, and she and Miller would divorce in 1961. Her career was falling apart, she was depressed and tired, but couldn't sleep and had developed a fear of the night. Her psychiatrist, Ralph Greenson, was intrigued and scared of the way that she expressed herself, noting that, "she evoked painful things with no pain." She was empty. She began to deteriorate very quickly. When she turned 35 in 1961 she claimed, "I know I'll never be happy, but at least I can be high-spirited." She had already attempted to commit suicide once before but had been unsuccessful. A confusing portrait of her is portrayed in the last years of her life. To many of her friends and colleagues, Marilyn Monroe seemed positive, healthier and full of life. To Greenson, while he had seen some improvement of her, he still saw Norma Jeane, who was still suffering and had legitimate fears.
On the morning of August 5, 1962, Dr. Greenson's worst fear as a psychiatrist was recognized--he lost a patient. The body of Norma Jeane was found in her Los Angeles home. She had died at the age of 36 from acute barbiturate poisoning. The coroner ruled that it was a probable suicide, and she had certainly tried to take her life before, yet there were many suspicious things involving the scene of her death and evidence found there. It is therefore an unsolved mystery to this day as to whether she committed suicide or was murdered. Who knows, perhaps Norma Jeane just thought she could save herself by killing Marilyn Monroe.

If you are interested in a raw documentary on Marilyn Monroe and her psychoanalysis, there is an excellent documentary on Youtube, just click these and it will take you there:
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9

"Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss,
and fifty cents for your soul."

"I am involved in a freedom ride protesting the loss of the minority rights
belonging to the few remaining earthbound stars. All we demanded
was our right to twinkle."

"It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk.
A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone."

"I don't want to make money. I just want to be wonderful."

"I have feelings too. I am still human.
All I want is to be loved for myself and my talent."